Three Powerful Words

by Raquel Mallett

The moment you hear the news that your biggest nightmare has become a reality, your heart begins to sink. You hear that your child or loved one has been abused and while trying to process how it could’ve happened and even how you may have not noticed, you now have the responsibility of trying to figure out how to be there to support your child. You’re shocked that this could’ve happened to this precious child God created. However, it’s not just your emotions you have to control, it’s also the child’s as well. You very well may have known the predator, as oftentimes victims and their families know their abuser. The abuser may be a relative, coach, pastor, friend, or even a teacher.

As difficult as it may be for you to process, the child’s needs to be the priority. Their comfort level and feelings need to be heard and respected. The child needs to realize that they have a safe place and that they will not be judged.

Children will naturally retreat and keep feelings bottled up inside if they feel judged or uncomfortable. You may not know the entire story of how the abuse took place. You may not know exactly what to say. The child may prefer to speak to only a select individual. The child may begin to act out and not understand how chaotic and confusing life is now becoming due to the abuse. It is important for the child to know that it was not their fault and that you are not angry with them.

Praise them for being brave and trusting you to open up to them. Praise them constantly for their efforts and tell them how proud you are of them. The moment you found out about the abuse your child was enduring, your life instantly changed. However, it changed even more so for the child. Imagine a child who had to go through the torment of the abuse, but now have to speak about it, try to process the abuse and flashbacks, deal with the law being involved, and also try to heal as well. That is a lot for anybody to tackle, and especially for a child. It is your responsibility to be their source of peace, strength, and comfort.

Easier said than done when your life has just been turned upside down as well. You are not able to do this alone. You need God to be able to direct your steps, your words, provide wisdom, and faith. As you seek from the Source which is Christ, you will have that strength to give to your child. As you partake of the power and faith of Christ, you are able to impart them your precious child, which God has given you the blessing to have in your life. Take it day by day and not worry about what tomorrow will bring. Do the best you can do for your child this day. Then tomorrow, ask God for the grace you need for that particular day.

It is normal for children to blame themselves for the abuse they received. Deep down they don’t want to be judged or blamed but they feel like they are to blame. Your child needs to hear the words, “I believe you.” You may think that because you are talking to them about the abuse, taking them to therapy, and/or pressing charges, that your child will naturally believe that you believe their story. They need you to be direct with your feelings on what happened because most likely they will only make assumptions and it is possible for them to continue to believe the lies their abuser has ingrained in their minds to keep them from talking. Keep in mind that the child may not even truly understand what is taking place to them because they have been brainwashed and manipulated.

It is important to be of strength to the child and they need to know that the abuse was wrong but that it wasn’t their fault. You may not know the entire story of what exactly took place but you can’t wait until you do for the child to know that you believe them and that you don’t blame them. They need to know immediately to set the stage for them to know they have someone they can trust from the beginning and who is on their side. You need to be very clear when speaking to your child so they won’t form false assumptions and delay the healing process or make it more difficult.

Due to children typically knowing their abuser, oftentimes when a child’s trust for an adult is betrayed in such a gruesome way, they begin to view the world differently and even the individuals closest to them. If the child was abused by a male, they may be very fearful of men and can shape the way they view men in their life, even in adulthood. The trust they had for the individual was broken and now they feel alone and confused. This is also why it is important for the child to know immediately that they are believed, in order for the child to know everyone is not the same person as their abuser.

The three simple words, “I believe you”, will do a lot for a child. You will have to tell the child on a regular basis that you believe them because it can take a while for them to actually believe those words and develop that trust, but the child’s healing will begin on a positive foundation by those three words. If you have never stated those exact words to your child or loved one before, you can still say them now. It can still be very effective for them. However, it is not enough to only just say those words to the child because you now have to stand by those words with your actions.

The child may not confront you or express how they feel at all times, but they are watching to see how you handle now knowing about the abuse. They want to know that you believe their story all the time and not just depending on who you are speaking with or how you feel that day.