From Darkness to Light

After joining a small church and recommitting my life to Jesus, I was quickly appointed to be a Youth Leader. With my professional skills and my passion for the youth, I was instructed to start a youth ministry in a new branch of the church. The youth ministry quickly grew from 4 youth to 50 in a very short time. The visionary of the church and his wife and I became very close. I became the 1st ladies armor bearer and honored their roles in my life. I spent over 2 years growing and serving in this church. After 2 years, I spent a lot of time in meetings, prayer services, revivals, conferences, and just at home with the visionary and his wife, who I called, “Mom and Dad.” Unbeknownst to me there were things happening that I was unaware of until I was confronted with those behaviors personally. I remember a member of my youth ministry, reporting that a brother in Christ of mine, who was a Pastor, was sexually harassing her.  I personally chastised him, as we had a close relationship and he quickly apologized for speaking  to my youth in a way that made her uncomfortable. I informed leadership, aka Mom and Dad, and they simply said they would speak to him, which I found strange, but did not want to disrespect their authority.

About one month later I was in the rented missionary house, where the Pastor and his wife lived when they were in that city, as the church now had over 5 branches. I was completing my assigned cleaning work and by chance was alone in the home with “Dad.” Over the past two years it was not strange to be in the home alone with him as people were always coming and going, as a full time staff member I spent many hours in the missionary house. It was on this day that I was raped by my so called “Pastor, Visionary and Dad.” I requested prayer as I was frustrated with some things. He then used that opportunity to abuse his Pastoral relationship with me and raped me after the time in prayer. I was in shock, afraid, in disbelief. I felt alone, guilty and scared no one would believe me. I aksed myself why I didn’t scream or fight. I kept quiet for over one month, until I confided in another sister who I then found out had also been raped. I then reported him to his wife, who I later found out was aware of the rape culture in the church and she was living in fear of losing her husband and the church falling apart, as it was their only means of income and they had 4 children. I realized that many in leadership were aware of what was going on and rather than confronting the situation properly, these leaders were covering up for him stating that prayer and fasting would help the visionary to be delivered of his evil attachments. I officially separated from the church, told all of my youth in hopes of protecting them, along with informing the authorities and the elders of the church. Many things happened thereafter though I was left alone and broken.

I found The Hope of Survivors online as I tried to search for an answer to the pain and betrayal I felt. I was given a volunteer counselor who I spoke with on a weekly basis. She sent me books, validated my pain, prayed with me, listened to my survivors story, gave her testimony and guided me to restoration. After 6 months of counseling, I was lighter and my relationship with God was healed. The sadness I felt, the confusion, the emptiness was alleviated. The Hope of Survivors, helped me through one of the darkest times in my life. I was lost and blamed myself for what happened. I  thought that I should have been able to notice something. I through counseling, recognized that my rapist had groomed me for two years and was a predator and I stopped taking blame for his evil. I forgave him in my heart and was able to move forward with my life. My relationship with God grew and I am free.

Author: Khadijah

If you are a survivor of clergy sexual abuse, we would love to hear your story and possibly make it available on this web site for others to read and renew their hope. You can use a pseudonym if you choose and rest assured that all personal information will be kept private and strictly confidential. Please contact us.

Please note We do not necessarily agree with or endorse all the information contained in the survivor’s stories. We do, however, feel they have some valuable information that could be useful to you in your recovery. It helps to know you’re not alone, that others have shared your pain and have healed, by the grace of God, in their own time and way.