God Causes Good To Come Out of Sorrow

I have been greatly healed from what I am going to share, otherwise, I would not be able to share this story. Three years ago, an elder in my church tried to push me into an affair with him. He was chairperson of a committee we were serving on together. We were venturing into a new ministry and I wanted to learn more about it so I could lead another group in the church. He encouraged me to learn how to lead a group and to be with him when he was leading groups. I thought he was the most spiritual, kind and attentive man I had ever met. He was also the leader of our prayer team and he prayed the most beautiful prayers I had ever heard. He and his wife had only been in our church for a few years and this man rose up very quickly to the position of elder. He was also chairperson of several committees and was a Sunday school teacher to the children.

It began by him hugging me whenever he saw me, whether in church or in the community. At first, I did not think too much about it because I’d seen him hug others. But one day, he put his hand on the back of my head, pulled me in close to him and whispered in my ear that he loved me. I pulled away and looked at him but said nothing. This happened a few times over the course of the next month and I asked him why he kept telling me he loved me. He said, “Because I do.” Eventually, I began to realize I had formed an emotional connection that I had never experienced with anyone before. I told him not to hug me anymore and to stay away from me. He would not leave me alone and kept seeking me out at church and even grabbed me once and hugged me against me will. Eventually, he asked me to have an affair with him, but he said he did not want any emotions involved and just wanted a physical relationship with someone. I asked him how he could do something like that and still expect God to bless his ministries. He just shrugged his shoulders. I then asked him how he could look his wife in the eyes after doing something like that and he said he would not feel guilty about it. I told him I could not do such a thing and I asked him what he thought our pastor would think and say if he knew what he was proposing. He said the pastor would not do anything about it. He just seemed to already know this, but I did not believe my pastor would do nothing if he knew about it.

A few days after being asked to have the affair, I decided I had to tell my husband. God was not giving me any peace or rest until I did. I was totally honest with my husband including telling him that I had developed an emotional connection. He forgave me because he said he knew I had done nothing intentionally and he had a bad feeling about the man involved from the first time he saw him stand up in front of the church. My husband told me that we should consider telling our pastor about what happened. I thought about it for a few days and had heard, in the meantime, that this man had admitted to having a sexual addiction, which led to many affairs and he also had a pornography addiction. He and his wife moved to our area hoping to get a fresh start from all the problems they left behind them. When I heard this, I knew our pastor had to be told because this man was in positions that were supposed to be filled by men who were trustworthy. We were concerned that he would move on to another woman who might not be able to tell him “no,” or even a teenager who could be vulnerable.

So we both went to our pastor and told him what happened and he said he would take care of it, even saying that he thought he would have to call the district office to find out what to do, since he had never experienced anything like this in the past. Well, we went to church the following week and the elder was still serving communion and anointing people with oil during our healing service. I was sure the pastor must have misunderstood what we had told him, since this man was continuing in his positions at the church. Even though my husband did not think it was a good idea, he told me to go ahead and talk with the pastor again after I convinced him it was something I needed to do. So, I did talk with my pastor alone and it turned out to be the worst decision I ever made in my life. He told me to take the entire incident out and bury it and quit thinking about it. He told me he would not take any action because I had no witnesses. He then said that I could not see in this man’s heart and I had to forgive him and quit resenting him for serving as an elder. He said he had spiritual gifts and I had to allow him to use them. My pastor told me to remove the log from my own eye before removing the speck from the man’s eye. He said, if I had been wearing my shield, it would not have happened in the first place. I told my pastor how sorry I was for making an emotional connection, but I did not do it on purpose. He looked at me and said that nobody ever does it on purpose. I said to him, “Don’t you understand? I believe he did do it on purpose.” I asked him if he had called the district office to find out what to do and he said, “no.” I told my pastor I was so sorry to have brought sin into his church and, if I had it to do over again, I would not get involved with that man. He then told me to go home and work on my marriage. My pastor did not pray with me, tell me that God forgave me or that he cared about me and wanted to help me get through what was a terrible emotional experience. I left his office that day feeling like the biggest piece of garbage that ever existed. I know what it is like to be treated like that because I grew up with an alcoholic father who regularly belittled me and let me know he had no use for me. I went home and sat in the garage in my car and could not even move my body to get out of the car. My pastor, who I thought loved me and would always be my friend, had just let me know that I was not worthy of any love, kindness or understanding of any kind from him. I finally went into the house and waited on my husband to come home from work. I told my husband what happened, and he was angry with our pastor but said he’d have to think on what to do about it.

My husband did go back to talk with the pastor several times, but it never did any good because the pastor had already decided he wanted to keep the incident a secret and let the man continue as an elder. The pastor did finally admit that he had talked with the elder and he told the pastor that I had misunderstood him. How does a woman misunderstand sexual assault? I never told my husband about the physical contact this man thought he was at liberty to take with me. But I did tell the Pastor and he became angry with me and told me to bury it and not think about it.

I was devastated and felt rejected by my church and not believed by my pastor. I don’t remember exactly what I typed into Google search, but The Hope of Survivors popped up on the screen. There was an invitation to send a message if help was needed by anyone who felt they had been taken advantage of by someone in authority especially by a pastor. I wrote a letter telling them what happened but never really expected to hear back. The next day I received a response from Tammy Landry, who went over my letter sentence by sentence and validated everything I had written! Over the next three years, she continued to keep in touch with me, even calling me several times. Whenever I wrote to her, she responded within hours and sometimes minutes. She was wonderful and it meant the world to me to have her believe in me and care about me even though we had never met. My husband refused to go back to our church, so I lost my church family. Tammy knew what it felt like to experience such a loss and had great compassion and words of encouragement for me. I continued to search the THOS website to find anything that would help me. And I did what they encouraged by writing down Bible verses and looking at them throughout the day. I read everything, including all the stories and poems written by other people. It all helped me so much and I’ll always be appreciative that THOS exists and responds to people when they don’t know where else to turn. Especially after they have turned to the one place they thought would never let them down—the church.

Sadly, after reading the stories from women on The Hope of Survivors’ pages, this happens often, and it amazes me that anyone would think a woman had anything to gain by making up such a story. Tammy always pointed me back to Jesus as the One who would carry me through and love me without judgment. She sent Bible verses to me and often quoted them in her letters to me. I’m in a much better place today, but I have lost an innocence that I think I needed to lose. I learned that people can never give us what we need. We may get our emotional tank filled for a brief time after being with a person, but it will soon become empty. Jesus is the only One who can fill us up emotionally and understands everything we experience on this earth. God used Tammy greatly at a time when I was distraught, lonely and rejected.

I learned that my beloved pastor of 20 years did not love me as much as he loved protecting the church, so the boat did not get rocked. I also learned that the elder was a good liar and even the pastor believed him. So those two men never admitted doing anything wrong and did not suffer any repercussions for their actions. I experienced enough sadness and grief to last me for the rest of my life, but I learned so much about myself and about God’s unfailing love and forgiveness. To God be all the glory!

Author: God’s Grateful Daughter

If you are a survivor of clergy sexual abuse, we would love to hear your story and possibly make it available on this web site for others to read and renew their hope. You can use a pseudonym if you choose and rest assured that all personal information will be kept private and strictly confidential. Please contact us.

Please note: We do not necessarily agree with or endorse all the information contained in the survivor’s stories. We do, however, feel they have some valuable information that could be useful to you in your recovery. It helps to know you’re not alone, that others have shared your pain and have healed, by the grace of God, in their own time and way.