It Wasn’t Your Fault

What happens following clergy sexual abuse is often more damaging than the abuse itself. After the offending pastor’s denials are exposed, he usually blames the victim. That’s bad enough, until others in the congregation—including your longtime friends—join him in blaming you.

What’s even worse is when you can’t stop blaming yourself. Your conscience sincerely deceives you into thinking even God condemns you, along with everybody else—for being the victim of your spiritual leader-caregiver. Specifically, the criminal conduct of a clergyman’s sexual abuse—his exploitation of the power imbalance between pastor and parishioner.

I share this from the perspective of five decades of ministry during which I’ve pastored 11 churches. Three times my predecessor was a sexually abusive pastor. I’ve concluded it is always the responsibility of the pastor when a relationship with a parishioner becomes sexualized. Let me explain why.

Two types of abusive clergy
First let’s consider the character of pastoral abusers (since the great majority of them are male, I refer to them accordingly here). There are two types, basically The first is a wolf in sheep’s clothing—a corrupt clergyman Jesus warned about (Matt. 7:15). He is a predator/hypocrite who belongs in jail for strategically exploiting his spiritual authority for sexual conquest. Typically he’s also a religious sociopath—one who has no conscience yet seems so spiritual he charms the church into supporting him and rejecting you. Those members he hasn’t fooled he intimidates or silences in other ways. The result is tragically predictable—you are rejected by the body of Christ, which for a sincere believer may be worse than death itself.

The other type of pastoral predator is weak more than wicked. He has unmet emotional needs or untamed testosterone—often both. This pastor had been a man of untarnished integrity but perhaps became so busy he lost his first love for God, and for his wife. Without a strong spiritual and family foundation, he is now emotionally vulnerable to women in his congregation he finds attractive—even when they have done nothing to allure him.

Suddenly there’s a man in your life you weren’t expecting. He treats you with respect, commending your eagerness to live for God, your honesty about faults and failures, your willingness to receive counsel for your woundedness. You sense he is drawn like a magnet to everything about you: your needs, your talents, your potential, your personality, your looks. He seems energized around you, totally dedicated to meet your spiritual/emotional/relational needs. Basically he’s obsessed with you—and it’s not your fault.

It’s natural for anyone to feel honored and perhaps flattered to have the time and attention of this popular, much respected caregiver. Your own feelings of attraction may respond to his. Or maybe not quite yet.

A man after God’s heart and now yours
Long ago, King David was a spiritual leader so sincere God described him as a “man after my own heart” (Acts 13:22). But like so many leaders, David became distracted with all his duties and lost spiritual focus. That left him at the mercy of a man’s natural lusts, and he yearned to have sex with a vulnerable woman under his leadership. Someone like you.

After such a pastor succumbs to his own inner lust (usually fueled by a secret porn habit resurgent from college days), he starts living in denial of the corruption that has seized his soul. He convinces himself that his interest in you comes from his heart for spiritual caregiving, counseling or discipleship. Eventually conscience kicks in and he may resist, helplessly scolding himself until he finally gives up and succumbs to his raging emotions.

Neither he nor you had expected initial mutual respect and attraction to grow into a bond of friendship that became romanticized and ultimately sexualized. You might succumb to his deceptive attentions and flattery, but this does not mean your relationship with him is your fault. But as a longtime pastor and trainer of pastors, I assure you it’s every pastor’s responsibility to keep relationships with women under his care appropriate.

It was abuse, not an affair
Whether or not your abusing pastor was a sociopathic predator, one thing is certain: whatever happened with him is not an affair, as between two colleagues of equal authority. It’s an abuse of his power imbalance, as with a supervisor and employee in the workplace. Organizations often terminate supervisors who use their position of authority to facilitate a sexual relationship with someone under their leadership. That’s true in any profession: teachers, physicians, supervisors—and pastors.

God blamed King David, not Bathsheba, for their sexual relationship. Arguably, when Bathsheba became aware of David sexual intentions, she should have resisted even if it cost her life. Like Queen Esther under different circumstances, maybe she could have said “If I perish, I perish.” Yet the fact that Bathsheba possibly might have but did not resist David does not change the fact that God held David completely responsible.

Your conscience may protest: “I could have and should have said no!” Maybe you didn’t resist resolutely like Queen Esther. It’s still your pastor’s fault. Even if he didn’t force his way into your bedroom—he should not have ventured into a sacred space of your heart where only a husband belongs. Abuse doesn’t have to be physically or even emotionally coercive.

What if you initiated the relationship?
Perhaps you may be saying, to be honest, “I’m the one who made the first move with my pastor. I basically seduced him.” Believe it or not, it’s still his fault that your relationship became sexual. God expects spiritual leaders to resist all temptation, or they are untrustworthy shepherds of His flock.

This is not only biblical—it’s just common decency expected of all leaders toward those under their authority. Suppose a high school drama teacher finds himself the recipient of a romantic crush from a student who loves the arts and is fascinating by his knowledge and experience. If the teacher succumbs to sexually temptation, he gets fired (and goes to jail if the student is a minor). Nothing less can be expected with pastors.

Leaders of integrity resist temptation that pursues them. They know our society grooms females, from girlhood onward, to believe their value depends upon their looks more than their brains or talents—whether they are “hot” or not. Their sense of identity may thus be warped by media advertising and female celebrities who are popular because their looks. This sickness in our society gets personalized when an authority figure sexualizes their relationship with you.

Women who suffered previous sexual abuse are especially vulnerable to clergy sexual abuse. This is particularly so for victims of abuse from their biological father. If that happened to you, don’t be surprised if you find yourself tempted to relate accordingly to your spiritual father—your pastor. If you were particularly attracted to him doesn’t mean you are a bad person—it means you are in need of emotional and spiritual healing from a father-figure worthy of the name.

Pastors of integrity understand this dynamic and resist feeling flattered when a woman seems particularly attracted to them. If their own sense of identity is secure in Christ, they have the spiritual maturity and integrity to overlook this type of attention and treat them like Jesus treated the many women who were drawn to Him. Any pastor who can’t manage this doesn’t belong in the business of spiritual leadership.

Faithful pastors heed the counsel that Paul the apostle gave to a young pastor, Timothy, to consider “younger women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Tim. 5:2). Notice the Bible doesn’t say pastors shouldn’t notice women or shun interaction with females. Instead, a faithful pastor looks more closely at a woman than a predator does. He looks past their skin to their heart, seeking to minister healing to them, if possible in tandem with his wife as his ministerial partner.

Even if you were blessed with a wonderful father, a life-changing crisis can leave you emotionally vulnerable to a male caregiver. It’s advisable for pastors, as soon as they understand the specific help needed, to arrange counseling from a licensed professional or a support group in the church or community. Predator pastors, however, are quick to notice an opportunity to exploit a woman in crisis by masquerading as a father-figure, inviting them into their office for closed-door counseling sessions that sooner or later get sexualized. The Hope of Survivors has ministered to thousands of women thus victimized by a pastor whose “solution” is immeasurably worse than their original problem that led them to seek help.

Every veteran pastor is familiar with the father-figure phenomenon of women attracted to them. In my own pastoral ministry, if I’ve sensed a woman particularly drawn to me as a person, I’ve tried connect her with a a licensed counselor to discern what particular emotional/spiritual healing she might need, and also to find companionship and healthy relationality with one of our ministry teams.

Paul’s proclamation to the Corinthian church has always challenged me: “We do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and we are your servants for Jesus’ sake” (2 Cor. 4:5). I’ve tried to keep this in mind throughout my ministry. Once I had a leather sport coat that Darlene, my wife, thought looked good on me—but so did other women who paid me compliments. Darlene understood when I gave it away. Pastors of integrity have to continually assess whether they are attracting undo attention from women, particularly those needing father figures.

Although by God’s grace I’ve been a faithful pastor, sometimes I haven’t been as vigilant as I should be and thus attracted unnecessary attention. One memorable example was when I found on my office desk an artistic handmade card from a young woman in the church, offering any kind of massage desired. (She was not a professional masseuse—and even if I needed massage therapy I would maintain boundaries within my congregation by securing the services of a licensed outside professional.) There were undeniable sexual overtones in this coy and clever invitation.

Upon arriving home, I showed the card to Darlene. She was, of course, offended that an attractive congregant would send such a thing to her husband. I listened and then responded, “Sweetie, I’m actually to blame for this.”

“What?” She demanded. “How can that be!”

I reminded Darlene that a couple weeks ago our daughter had invited this young woman to our house for lunch after church services. We enjoyed a good meal and had a great time together talking about lots of things, including our cats. I entertained everybody with stories I might one day put into a book Louie Goes to Meowii—humorous spiritual lessons for fellow cat lovers. We all laughed and laughed.

“So what,” Darlene responded. “I was right there all the time and you didn’t say or do anything inappropriate.” I had to confess: “To be honest, I enjoyed the opportunity to entertain everybody, including that young woman, who I sensed was totally charmed by my stories.”

“But I was right there!” Darlene protested. “We were all laughing together. I would have noticed if you were inappropriate.”

“Well, I have to admit I experienced emotional chemistry between us. That was a red flag and should have been a stop sign. I’m a spiritual leader, not an entertainer. I need to tone down my humor when I’m with women, even if they are young enough to be our daughter’s friend.”

Darlene agreed. “You could have excused yourself and gone on a walk with me. But now what are you going to do about this crazy card you’re showing me?”

I suggested the three of us could meet to talk about it, preferably with a licensed counselor present to monitor the conversation. Although this young woman was in her twenties, she still lived at home so I asked her if I could invite her mom be present in the counselors office. Both of them agreed. So that’s what we did, and all of us came away grateful for having worked through this situation together.

Had anything bad happened, it would have been my fault—a betrayal of my sacred responsibility. Just like healthcare professionals fulfilling their Hippocratic Oath: “First, do no harm.” No matter how skilled surgeons are, first and foundationally they must not make things worse for their patients. Likewise, spiritual caregivers must do no harm to their congregants. More important than how well pastors can preach or even pray, their fundamental role is to not prey upon the flock of God, for whom they are shepherds, not wolves.

To summarize: whereas a predator pastor may track his prey from the moment he lays eyes on a vulnerable woman, an initially sincere man of God may also become abusive after losing his spiritual focus. In either case, a sexual relationship between a pastor and a congregant always constitutes abuse, since it’s the pastor’s responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries.

Thus whatever happened to you with your pastor was simply not your fault.

Martin Weber, DMin, has been a THOS board member for 14 years, participating in Hope and Healing weekends and pastoral accountability seminars. Retired now from pastoring, he is a part-time hospital chaplain in Nebraska.